When you return from being a missionary, it takes awhile to transition from your “missionary world” to your “home world.” (Yes, perhaps the greatest under-statement of the year.) Besides the social and environmental adjustments, there are often a lot of emotions to endure as well–some good, some bad, but all of them pretty distracting. You quickly discover that living in two worlds at once is difficult–so you end up picking one and leaving the other one behind–at least for awhile. Sometimes you might move from one to the other or even go back and forth between worlds for awhile.
Sometimes you pick the old world. Usually this happens when your mission experience was mostly positive. The world you’ve returned to is a blur, too much to deal with, or maybe not as fun or meaningful as your mission experience. So you escape through pictures, songs, native food and clothing–anything that makes you feel like you’re still in that world. You miss everything–even the stuff you used to hate. Nothing around you right now can measure up to that experience and those emotional highs. You are constantly trying to communicate with others at your mission site or those who you once served with–through facebook, email, Skype–or maybe even making lots of trips to the Post Office. Though others might think you really need to just move on, and the sooner the better, you will be sure to use the deep lessons of your past to help you face your present and future. Sometimes you pick the new world. Maybe you had a more difficult experience, or you don’t have the energy or time to deal with the emotions–good or bad–that come with thinking about your mission experience. You avoid looking at pictures for awhile, and for some reason it’s really hard to stay in contact with those you served with or who are still at your mission site. You kind of hope people won’t ask you about your experience, and if they do, you try to pacify them with short, acceptable answers. You might dive into your new world with exhilaration–new friends, new clothes, new classes, new job, new identity. Underneath, you may not feel like you totally fit in this new world yet, but you’re going to try. This can be helpful for awhile, so you can establish yourself firmly in the present, and later go back and try to incorporate the past. Whichever world you choose will have it’s benefits and draw-backs. Either way, you will probably often feel restless and frustrated. You will misunderstand others and feel misunderstood. You will draw on comfort from the past or hope in the future to help you keep going until one day things feel more normal. Until then, here are a few suggestions for whichever world you are in: 1. Make your relationship with God a priority. Your spiritual life can feel like its in shambles as you transition, but God understands. He wants to journey with you, so keep talking to Him. And He actually has a lot to say in His Word if you’re willing to go there. Ask others to pray for you too. 2. Do your best to communicate to others–in both worlds–what you’re going through, and maybe which world you are camped in for awhile. This can help prevent a lot of misunderstandings, and can actually make you feel more supported. 3. Live in healthy community. The temptation to hide can be super strong, whether that’s isolating or over-socializing. It’s ok to have your season of withdrawing or extroverting for awhile, but healthy community–at least a few good friends who you can be honest with–will keep you on track as you transition. 4. Be patient but keep growing. Take your time in whatever world you’re in for awhile, but eventually you’ll be ready to move on. If you feel like you’re stuck and need help with that–whether it’s facing the past or the present–make it a priority to find it. Counseling is not a four-letter word. 5. This too shall pass. Keep in mind you will feel normal again one day, and you will be able to face both worlds without too much distress. It might be two months from now or two years, but the time itself doesn’t matter as much as the growing and learning through it. “I have called you back from the ends of the earth so you can serve me. For I have chosen you and will not throw you away.” Isaiah 41:9 (NLT)
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Forgiveness. One of those basic ideas kids probably understand better than adults, because they take it literally, while adults often try to deny that it applies to us. Sometimes we deny it by refusing to believe that the other person deserves forgiveness. Our pain is too great, they did too much damage, and it is impossible to forgive them. Others of us spend our lives denying our pain, explaining it away. If we were hurt by someone else, it means we are weak or too sensitive. It means we are admitting they had or have power over us to be able to hurt us, and that is unacceptable. And if they never hurt us, then we have no need to do the unthinkable and forgive them. Let me illustrate these options with a story of two little boys I once taught. They were super mad at each other (I still don’t know why). I separated them before the glaring turned to fighting. I sat Ethan* down on one side of the room, and Jordon* was with a small group of boys trying to calm him down on the other side of the room . Choose your ending:
A. As Jordan was talking with the other boys, his voice got louder. When I left Ethan to take care of another issue in class, Jordan ran over to Ethan and punched him. Naturally, Ethan punched back, and they both ended up in the Principal’s office. B. Even though Ethan was still mad, Jordan suddenly didn’t care any more. He told the other boys it didn’t matter, and Ethan was just being dumb. Ethan eventually cooled down, and class went on. But those two never played together much after that. C. Jordan left his group of friends and walked over to Ethan. Slowly, deliberately–as if it took every ounce of strength he could muster–he reached his small hand out and put it on Ethan’s shoulder. “I am sorry,” he said. Ethan started crying, and put his hand on Jordan’s shoulder. They had no trouble playing together after that. I’m glad to tell you that thanks to God’s miraculous grace in my class that day, the ending was “C.” And I learned a valuable lesson about forgiveness. It doesn’t mean that we deny our pain–we feel it, and we admit it–whether the other person knows how much they hurt us or not, whether we “should” or “shouldn’t” feel that way. We also realize that they probably do not deserve it. We deserve to be angry at them for hurting us. But, by God’s grace, we make the choice and the action to forgive–to not hold it against them. Why? Well, Jordan told me, “I hate to go to the Principal’s office, that’s why I hate to kill him.” Yeah, sometimes it’s just to keep the peace, but as Christians, a deeper reason goes back to Jesus. We forgive because He told us to. Not only did He tell us, but He did it. On the cross, He asked God to forgive those who were hurting Him. (Luke 23:24) He also took the blame–and the punishment–for all of our offenses toward God, so that God could forgive us. Jesus died to make forgiveness possible. So when we forgive, it’s not just about the other person, or the hopeful result of reconciliation. It is because we want to be like Jesus, and this is what He asks and expects from His followers. For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matt. 6:14,16) And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. (Mark 11:25) Does it mean you forget? No, not always. God is able to do that, but right now, we are not able to. But every time we remember, we can ask God to help us to forgive again. To leave judgement with Him, and to treat the person with grace–even in the privacy of our own minds. Again, it doesn’t mean to excuse their behavior or discount your pain, it means acknowledging the pain, if necessary confronting (Matt. 18:15), and then choosing to forgive and move on. I truly believe that God is the only one who makes forgiveness possible in its truest definition, and it’s a work of a lifetime, not an instant. Be patient, persistent, and always willing to listen to the Holy Spirit, and even the impossibility of admitting your pain and offering forgiveness becomes possible. *Names are changed. It seems to strike when I least expect it. I was just loading some laundry into the washer, and bam. It hit me again: What if? I’ve fought it off several times before, thought I conquered it, but there it was staring up at me from the washing machine. No, it wasn’t a shirt I regretted buying. It was the disappointments from my mission experience last year. This is the third time I’ve gone through this “Re-Entry” thing, and this is perhaps the first time I’ve had to fight off so many “what-ifs.” Maybe because if my plans had gone the way they were supposed to, I’d still be out there, instead of sitting around, looking for a job. Maybe because I wonder how much more effective I could have been last year if things had gone the way they were supposed to. Even though I’ve had plenty of time to face these thoughts and conquer them throughout this year, sometimes it’s just as hard to remember to trust God with my past as it was to trust Him when it was happening.
It seems that one little question can multiply like a virus into a thousand more. Feelings can range from anger and regret to sadness and confusion. At the end of the day, I just want to know that it had to be this way. That there wasn’t something I could have done differently. Or at the very least, to see something in the plans-gone-wrong to make it worth it somehow. It’s easy to tell someone who is questioning to trust that God has a plan. But when you’re in the middle of it, it’s a lot harder to do when His plan seems so different from what you expected. From what seems better. But I guess that is still what it comes down to. A choice to believe. An exercise of faith to pray that desperate prayer, “Lord, I believe. Please help my unbelief.” A turning of the eyes from myself to God; from my weakness and regrets to His strength and redemption. We all know that God does not rejoice in our suffering. He hates seeing us cry or rage at our disappointments. But sometimes He has to let us go through it anyway, for reasons we may not understand, just like He did with His own Son. And the hardest and best thing we can do is to put our “what-ifs” in Heaven’s offering plate. In that moment of surrender (which often must happen over and over), we find peace in return. We can discover that God Himself is enough, even if we lose everything else. And we learn that there is nothing wasted in His time-economy. Whatever happened, He can transform it into something good, something even beautiful. He will not fail to do this for us if we ask Him. “We know that God makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are chosen to be a part of His plan.” Romans 8:28 (NLV) The safest place you can be is in the sky. Clouds below, sun and infinity above. As much as I don’t really care for flying, there are some comforting things about it. When you are in the air, you are in no-man’s-land, the world-between-the-worlds. You are not where you were, and you are not where you are going. You don’t have to let go of the past or face the future. You can just simply be imprisoned in the present, high above whatever is going on in the world. As soon as you land, you are committed to joining the world again, ready or not.
The challenge of joining the American world again can be really hard. I remember subconsciously raising my legs off the floor in a futile attempt to resist the plane’s descent into the bright lights of Honolulu. America was too fast, too loud, too bright. I wasn’t ready for it yet. For several months afterward, there was a big hole in my heart for the simplicity of my old island life, and I did not feel like I belonged at home. Sometimes I would look up at the evening sky, and the big, puffy summer clouds reminded me of island clouds. And then sometimes I wished I could just live in the clouds–no need for decisions, commitments, new things, or missing old things. Yes, the safest place is in the sky, but it’s not the best place. If you stay in the world-between-the-worlds forever, even your my mind, you’ll miss what God has for you next. It takes awhile, but eventually you come to realize that the best is not behind you–it’s ahead. Because God is already there. God is not finished with you yet. He still has plans for you, and He has not forgotten you. He will walk through this landing with you, and plant your feet on a firm foundation. |
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